My Wildly Improbable Birthday Wish List

For my seventh birthday I asked for a dragon.

I got this:

Bullshit.

I guess it's a good thing. I learned early on that the stuff I really want (yeah, the stuff everyone really wants) isn't stuff you can just go to a mall and buy. That's what makes birthdays so awkward. You can't just give someone a Lose Ten Kilos coupon or a subscription to Levitation & Flying Magazine and call it a day.

And since my birthday's in a week, those who love me enough to know that (without checking on facebook first) have been bugging me to tell them what I want. So here it is.

My Wildly Improbable Birthday Wishlist

1. A Car With An Engine And Wheels And Stuff

I just got my learner's licence again (after letting the last one expire) and with a full-time job and hobbies that require me to Go Places, you can probably imagine how badly I want my own car.

For some reason, I really want a blue Hyundai Atos. Not really sure why, but since they came out I've had this weird little feeling that this is the car for me. Probably because it's small and cute and you just wanna boop its nose a little bit.

*boop!*

 Also, it comes in an Automatic, because seriously, fuck gears. I mean, I know it still has gears, but frankly I don't feel like I need to be involved in changing them. I trust the machines. Go Skynet!

2. Mad Roller Derby Skills

Not only would I like to be able to stop without the aid of a wall or a friend who's going down with me, but I want to be bout-ready like RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, turns out spending hours reading articles on derby isn't quite equivalent to a Matrix-style download of all the skills I need. Damn it, Skynet!

Apparently, whimsical socks are not enough to master a fast-paced contact sport.

By the by, the league I'm in, the C-Max Roller Derby League, is having their next bout on 28 July and I'll be there cheering on the mayhem! You should come!

3. The Opportunity To Be A Prodigy At Something

Since I turned 18 I have been super bummed about this. I will never be the ukulele boy or the tiny opera singer or S.E. Hinton, who wrote my favourite YA novel, The Outsiders, when she was 17. I'm turning 24, which is way past the prodigy expiration date.

Show off.

Now I can only be an old-person prodigy, which isn't even actually a thing. But you know now and then there's a fluff story on the news like "Woah! This lady's like a million and she's rapping / teaching yoga / modelling for Victoria's Secret". So maybe if I take up bowls or collecting cats now, maybe I'll be considered a prodigy by the time I reach retirement age?

4. Adamantium Teeth

Yeah, over the past year my sensitive teeth problem has gone from charming to WTactualF. So that's it, I want teeth made out of adamantium, which would probably give me a pretty street Lil' Wayne look so I don't see the downside.

This would totally suit me.

And hey, if I could get some retractable claws put in while I'm at the adamantium clinic, there go my cheese-slicing, vegetable-chopping and people-murdering woes!

5. A Time-Turner

Mostly for napping, long lunches and extra reading time. And winning the lottery.

And high-fiving myself. Oh wait - would that break the universe?

 Okay, apparently you can buy these online. But it's just not the same if Professor McGonagall doesn't give it to you.

That's what she said.

Wait.

What?

Aaaanyway, those are the things I really want for my birthday. But since my list ranges from the highly improbable to the downright impossible, I guess I may just have to settle for fuzzy socks. Or a dragon.