Review: SHERLOCK SEASON TWO OMG!

Can we talk about Sherlock now OMG.

Here be spoilers, carry on if you dare! Or if you already know!

Or if you don't care.

By the way, this isn't so much a "review" as a very long, disconnected, slashful, ALLCAPS SQUEEFEST. Cool? Cool.

So I couldn't imagine anything that could upstage the first season, which was the best television I've seen in years (possibly ever). But OMG, the second season completely exceeded my expectations, which is shocking because I’m one picky weequasher. I tried to tell myself it would suck, because that way it's easier to not get disappointed if it DID suck. But in many ways the second season is even better than the first, and I just can't stop thinking about it.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT SCANDAL NOW OMG

I’ll admit they way they ended the cliffhanger pool scene annoyed me. I was expecting explosions and wet t-shirt contests and I didn’t get any of that. Despite that, I think Scandal In Belgravia was my favourite episode of the series. The 90 minutes flew by and it gave me so many warm and fuzzy feelings.

In fact, I might even use the trite term EX-FUCKING-HILARATING to describe this episode. It was so awesome.

Irene Adler was hot, though I don't find visible ribs sexy I think she had swag and hey, everybody likes lesbians. I also deeply respect her for pulling The Naked Man on Sherlock (pity it only works two out of three times!) 

Sherlock finally got those x-ray contact-lenses to work.

It does irk me that Adler was Sherlock’s intellectual equal except she was worse than him because she was a woman ("Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side" – smooth.) That was lame.

BUT WAIT, she's gay but straight-for-Sherlock, and my big heart-wrenching THING that I had to rip out of the subtext was that Sherlock was straight for her too.
Watching it a second (okay, eighth) time, I guess I have to concede that was probably what happened - BUT my headcanon** is that Sherlock didn't like her, he just wanted HER to like HIM because she was smart and kept bugging him so he was like Hmmm I wonder if she really thinks I'm foxy - because, you know, he cares about his looks and generally likes it when people are obsessed with him.

Also, in my headcanon, Sherlock is a natural ginger who dyes his hair. And he takes John scarf-shopping. And then they make out.

By the way, I was one of those body-policing squibs who didn't like the promo shots from season two because Benedict Cumberbatch was looking a little too... healthy for my taste. I thought the fact that Cumberbatch wasn’t OMG THINSPO* thin anymore would bother me, because I’m shallow, but he’s still drop-dead gorgeous and to be honest after the first scene I forgot all about it.

This episode also makes it really obvious that this show is written by old guys. First of all, having almost 2000 hits overnight doesn’t make you an INTERNET PHENOMENON. Having 2000 hits in FIVE MINUTES makes you an internet phenomenon. Having 2000 hits overnight makes you a mildly successful amateur porn producer. And do I need to mention the 'cameraphone' talk? Has anyone used that word since 2005?

You know what else was awesome though? SHERLOCK SMOKING. I know it’s a bit taboo or whatever now, but damn. To quote Chandler Bing: “I’ve had it with you guys and your cancer, your emphysema and your heart disease – the bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it!”

And John, oh John, sweet John. Though I disagree with Moffat about a lot of things (women are ALL ESSENTIALLY needy? fuck off) I can't deny he's my favourite Sherlock writer. The way John reacted to Adler was just so spot on, both protective of Sherlock and trying to keep his distance and feeling ever so slightly jealous... and that little head-bob as he said "You were... flirting... with Sherlock Holmes?" said a thousand words. 

I loved the whole John-Adler conversation. Sherlock and John ARE a couple, they just don't have sex onscreen. But they're together, each is the other's Significant Other, In Case Of Emergency person, and holiday buddy. You know how something like 30% of marriages are sexless? This is one of those.

And can we talk about how perfect, how nuanced, how gorgeously ordinary Martin Freeman plays John? The man's a genius. I'm just saying. I love re-watching episodes and TRYING to tear my eyes away from Cumberbatch, and seeing Freeman's tiny strange gestures and pouts and his beautiful hobbit-face just makes every scene richer.

And THE PULSE THE PULSE OMG SHERLOCK FEEL MY PULSE.

That was hot.

Though I enjoy the idea that Sherlock hasn’t given anyone his flower*** I do think the virgin thing was a little overdone. Probably because personally, I don't even buy it in the first place. But anyway...

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOUNDS NOW OMG

First, let me share my favourite tweet regarding this episode:

Damn! These things are almost never right!

This was the silliest episode. As in the first season, the middle episode is a tough one because it has none of the excitement of starting nor the drama of finishing the season.

And I was a bit disappointed in Gatiss (though I love him to death) for recycling no less than FIVE lines from the first season. You could tell even the actors thought that was lame - the stiffness with which Cumberbatch said "I wouldn't miss this for the world" was jarring and the only time anyone's acting bothered me - erm, except the guy who had the nervous breakdown. Shit son, I know that's what they teach you in drama school, but I had to put the volume down on you.

And this is where the writers signed a lot of slash-cheques that the director couldn't slash-cash. There was that odd moment when the innkeeper says he couldn't get them a double room, which was OBVIOUSLY a nod to the slash fandom (pretty sure this is how 80% of fanfics start****) and then we didn't have a single awkward "I'll sleep on the couch" scene afterwards? Fine then, I assume coitus.*****

BRB getting souvenir t-shirts printed for this top-secret mission I'm working on. So -

CAN WE TALK ABOUT REICHENBACH NOW OMG OMG OMG

Just... wow.

THIS WHOLE SHOW IS SUCH A COCKTEASE THOUGH.

There were at least five moments when I thought SHIT THIS IS IT, SHERLOCK'S GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH JOHN / JOHN / JOHN AGAIN / MOLLY / MORIARTY.

I MEAN COME ON. (source)

I have a theory that Gatiss and Moffat get their awesomeness from harvesting all the static sexual energy generated by fangirls who honestly expect these characters to make out. There was so much gratuitous slash-fuel (hold my hand? Sitting together in the dark waiting for the reporter? THE ENTIRE ROOF SCENE?!)

Speaking of, let's have full disclosure: I LOVE MORIARTY. He's crazy fabulous. If I were a villian he would totally be my career idol. And the way he dresses? I don't know who I want more, Andrew Scott or that gorgeous grey suit he was wore in the trial.

That tie pin is just... unf.

Regarding the roof scene, APPARENTLY I've got this wrong, but will somebody enlighten me on the non-perverted interpretation?

Because I've watched it four times now, and this is how I keep seeing it:

MORIARTY: So I've been stalking you for fifteen years because I just like watching you DANCE. And we have so much in common - we both know what kind of underwear is reserved exclusively for gays.
SHERLOCK: Oh, you! *blush* I figured out that computer code by the way, because I don't care about the solar system but memorized the precise timing of your every movement when you came over.
MORIARTY: LOL no, I was just messing with you! You're so normal! Your friends are making tea for my snipers! Kill yourself!
SHERLOCK: Aw goddamnit.......... NO WAIT TROLOLOL
MORIARTY: Say what?
SHERLOCK: You can call them off with a secret code or word, so I don't have to die AS LONG AS I'VE GOT YOU.
MORIARTY: You can't make me do what I don't want to do. *sassy face*
SHERLOCK: [some bullshit about angels roughly translated as] But I'm like you, I've got no morals or conscience, I'm WILLING TO DO ANYTHING, I've got no limits or boundaries so you can burn me, humiliate me, own me any way you like... so let's go to your place and test the mattress.
MORIARTY: OMG thank you! Bless you! Let me touch you! But actually I'd rather kill myself. *BANG*

'The fuck Moriarty? You kill yourself without even copping a feel? I thought we had the same priorities.

But seriously? What was all of Sherlock's I'll shake hands with you in hell stuff if not basically admitting that Moriarty could have him front back and sideways? I SEE NO OTHER POSSIBLE INTERPRETATION.

The fall though.

THE FALL. Everything was true and perfect and I LOVE THAT JOHN DIDN'T DOUBT SHERLOCK FOR A SECOND. NOT A SECOND.

Just for the record, I know there are a lot of theoriesbeing bandied around about how Sherlock did it. My theories generally go like this:

• Molly was hanging out of the window with a giant butterfly net
• Sherlock’s coat has airbags
• The pavement was actually made out of trampolines like in the WWE
• And of course, this is my favourite: IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

As you can see, I’m not very good at figuring stuff out. I’m a B.A. kid, what do you want from me? It was probably gremlins.

And can I just say that I love Molly? I’ve loved Molly since before it was cool to love Molly. I’M A MOLLY-LOVIN’ HIPSTER. I loved Molly since her first scene – I can’t remember where I read this, but the accepted theory as to why (in the beginning of A Study In Pink) Sherlock makes a face when drinking the coffee she brings him is because IT’S SALTED WITH HER TEARS.

But now everyone sees how awesome Molly is. I feel like the AVPS song The Coolest Girl was written for her.

The coolest bitch on Earth goddamnit! (source)

I know they brought in Kitty (I was so disappointed that she didn’t die, her voice made my ears bleed) to be the ironic Sherlock fangirl – but Molly’s always been the earnest, sweet, slightly pathetic, original and best fangirl in my eyes. And when she said ‘You look sad when you think he’s not looking’ a little part of my heart broke for her. Because she’s smart and sweet and insightful, and deserves to have someone lovely in her life instead of dating gay psychopaths and obsessing over asexual sociopaths.

Actually, a little part of me hopes that Sherlock is hiding out at Molly’s place, and as a thank-you for helping him fake his own death, he decides to give her his flower.

During the graveyard scene - it was beautiful but I admit I didn't cry, I'm sorry, I'm dead inside - but there was this massive tree right next to the grave and I kept thinking WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF SHERLOCK JUST HOPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THAT TREE and was like BAZINGA and John would be like I HATE YOU BUT I LOVE YOU LET'S MAKE OUT -  and that was basically what happened except for that last part and the part before that.

I'll admit I did let the fandom panic get to me a little, and was basically a zombie dreading the apocalypse for two days before I watched Reichenbach. But after seeing it I felt RELIEVED, because it was a beautiful story with a hopeful and graceful ending - if they get a third season (which they obviously will with all this hype) there can be so many feelings fleshed out with Sherlock coming back and, maybe, John having to choose between going back to Sherlock or staying with Mary (his wife in the books.)

But even without a continuation this ending is perfect - it's heartbreaking, but Sherlock threw his life away to protect the people he cared about.

I love that. I love everything about this story. Actually, my love for Sherlock is second only to my love of the Harry Potter books - which I've been re-reading in a loop for the past five years, so that should tell you something.

Allcaps and cockteasing aside, this show is the epitome of what television can be: engaging, fun, intense, thought-provoking, and IT'S ALSO A LITTLE  BIT FOXY.

So yeah, I GIVE IT A GAZILLION OUT OF TEN.

*Thinspo = thinspiration = someone who’s ridiculously underweight. Right before Sherlock S1 started shooting, Cumberbatch had filmed Third Star, where he played a cancer patient (a beautiful cancer patient) so he was unreasonably skinny when he got on the Sherlock set. And they STILL managed to find shirts that were too tight for him!

**Headcanon: subtext or deviations from canon one chooses to commit to in one's mind.

***IF YOU KEEP CALLING IT THAT, NOBODY’S EVER GONNA WANT TO TAKE IT.

****18% start with the riding crop. 2% involve Sherlock and John holding hands and giving each other valentine's cards, and usually adopting a kitten.

*****Judging by the amount of retweets that thought got, I can objectively say that everyone else assumed coitus too.