Sunday, May 27

How To Make A Green Smoothie That Doesn't Taste Like Regret

I'm not exactly a health nut, but I do enjoy smugly saying I drink a green smoothie every morning because it makes people look at me like I've just said I chew glass instead of flossing, it's better for the environment.

Green smoothies have gotten a bad rap for looking like portable swamps and tasting like socks. But I swear guys, this recipe is not only healthy, but tastes good. Now, I'm not saying it tastes good compared to steamed broccoli or lettuce tartar. I'm telling you: macaroni and cheese tastes good, toffee ice cream tastes good, and this green smoothie tastes good.

It's pretty simple to make, too. It takes me ten minutes (including washing the blender) to make in the morning, and that's with my sloth-like agility. You may not have these ingredients in your fridge at the moment, but that's the great thing about shops existing.

Yummy Green Smoothie 

(Serves 1, because let's face it, nobody's going to be asking for a glass until they taste yours and realize it's mindblowingly good.)

You'll need:
  1. A blender (to mix it all together, not as an ingredient. That would be a bit chewy.)
  2. Fruit juice, one cup (I use fruit cocktail, but apple tastes good too.)
  3. Raw seed mix, one teaspoon (mine has sunflower, pumpkin, sesame, and flax seeds.)
  4. Fresh cucumber, one mini (pickles don't count!)
  5. Baby spinach, raw, three handfuls (this freezes well too.)
  6. Fresh mint, raw, to taste (also freezes well, but if you can't find it, you could try mint essence. Mine's frozen, which is why it looks so black and sad in the picture. Still tastes awesome though!)

Step 1: Pour the glass of fruit juice into your blender and add a teaspoon of the seed mix.

*action shot!*

Warning: DO NOT try to replace the fruit juice with water. It will negate the glorious balance of the universe and make your smoothie taste like cold, bitter, spinachy regret.

Blend on high to chop up the seeds. This is especially good for the flaxseeds, which are super-mega good for you but aren't broken down in your stomach unless they're crushed open first. The seeds help you to feel full with all the omega-3 fatty stuff. You can also replace them with a scoop of avo, which is quite lovely.

Step 2: Turn the blender OFF first (if only I could send that piece of advice back to my past self) and add the baby spinach, mint and cucumber.

If you can't find cucumbers, substitute with alien willy.

I use three sprigs of mint because I think mint is the best thing ever. Also it takes the slightly spinachy taste off the end result. Using baby spinach instead of regular means that there isn't much spinachy taste to begin with, and using fruit juice with a bit of orange involved takes it away completely.

Blend on low for about a minute, until everything starts looking uniform.

Step 3: Pour back into the glass you used to measure the fruit juice (what, you think I was going to dirty an extra glass for no reason?) and enjoy!

Warning: Though this smoothie definitely tastes more like accomplishment than regret, there's no way to keep it from looking like a tiny, portable swamp. If left unattended, it may attract bog creatures.

Be on the lookout for giant gangsta penguins, incontinent crocodiles and the Great Scuzzy Lion of Indifference.

You may have to share.