The Amazing Dehydration Diet

Are you feeling a bit plump? A touch too fleshy? Do you dream of a flat stomach, flat butt, and flat... everything else?

Are you positively ripe for a change?

You don't have to roll yourself around anymore! Introducing The Amazing Dehydration Diet!

There's no need for special foods, pills or shakes - all you need is willpower and time! A very very very long time!

Look at Mr. Tom Ato's incredible results* with The Amazing Dehydration Diet!

"I feel great!"

*Diet only effective when you forget about yourself in a dark dry cupboard for what archeologists estimate is at least six months.

My Incredibly Generic New Year's Resolutions

My Christmas was lovely! Hope y'alls was too (that's a totally grammatically correct sentence.)

In this weird week between Christmas and New Year's Eve, the temptation to completely rehaul my life in one fell swoop is upon me. I love New Year's resolutions and make them every year, and they're always almost exactly the same as the year before.

So instead of trying to sound unique and special (to myself and to the internet), I'm going to embrace my vanilla-ass resolutions for what they are: completely generic. 

Enjoy my complete lack of originality!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Stop being lame and be awesome instead. Stop procrastinating. Be productive. Make lists of shit to do. Actually do aforementioned shit instead of feeling satiated by the existence of the list and never looking at it again.

2. Completely change my personality. Be nice. Don't be passive aggressive. Stop hating people who are better than me, for making me look bad. And stop hating people worse than me for being happy anyway, the selfish bastards. And stop hating people exactly the same as me in abilities and talents, because they're stealing my unique thunder. Bitches.

3. Spontaneously discover an untapped talent for athletics. Use workout gear instead of compulsively buying sports bras and hoarding them as if they appreciate in value.

4. Be cool, man. Stop being awkward. Google how to stop being awkward. Choose twitter handle which accurately describes me without using the word 'awkward.'

5. Get my shit together. Learn to drive. Maybe go to a hypnotist to dissociate killing people with driving.

6. Pimp my finances. Get bank balance up to four digits. Actually do things that make money instead of figuring that sort of stuff is for grownups.

7. Date someone who is real and not made up. Celebrities don't count. The other person has to know I exist, and be aware that I'm dating them. Harsh terms, I know.

8. Pretend I don't have deep-seated psychological issues around eating. Google “How to get Jenna Marbles' body in a week” and do whatever the article says, even if it's something ridiculous like three fudge sundaes a day (God I hope that's her secret.) Google bone shaving and organ reduction for weight loss. I hear meth helps?

9. Don't do meth. This one's easy because I'm sort of on a roll with that already. I've gone a whole lifetime without doing meth! Sometimes you've gotta give yourself a freebie in between ridiculously aspirational resolutions. 

10. Get enlightened and shit. Meditate for two hours a day. Don't judge. Don't judge myself for not meditating. At least it's on the list. 

11. Google how to do stuff that you put on lists.

12. Google how to stop being so dependent on Google.

Man, if I made all these changes, next year's list of resolutions would only contain one point: keep being awesome.  

That's the dream!

Why I Love My Job

I work in a parking lot that's converted to a flea market every weekend. Jealous?

Lady in the green = my hero.

I sell replica paintings, framing and posters. I also plot the demise of nearly everyone I come into contact with. Since my job brings out almost unparalleled levels of misanthropy in me, I thought I might make a list of things I love about my job, so that when the prosecution finds it, they'll at least know that I tried.

Every example I'm using here is true. Apologies for the crappy cellphone photos. 

Kindly enjoy the seven whole reasons why I love my job...

1. I get to practice putting a positive spin on things.

See, when I'm setting up, my first reaction to this sight would be “GAH! There's a freakin' TOENAIL over there! Somebody's plastic-ass toenail fell off and GAAAAH!”

WT actual F.

 

But because this sort of thing happens so often, I'm quite adept at taking a deep, calming, non-murdery breath and looking on the bright side: “Well, at least it's a FAKE toenail.”

2. I get to show off my wealth of cinematic knowledge.

Let me tell you about the fourth guy, the bane of my existence. 

We sell cheesy framed posters of vintage stars: James Dean, Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, and.... some fourth guy.

Relax, he's just an extra. Get out of the shot, Phil!

Every weekend, some dumbass stands there and names the dead celebrities until he gets to the fourth guy. Then he waves me over, makes me put down my coffee, pull off my headphones, walk all the way across to the other side of the display, and watch him point his biltong-covered finger at the fourth guy.

Dumbass: Who's dis?

Me: That's Humphrey Bogart.

Dumbass: [stares at me blankly]

Me: Humphrey Bogart. From Casablanca.

Dumbass: O-o-oh! [pretends to click and know who that is] [walks away without another word.]

This happens a few times a day. I tried to remedy the situation, but to no avail.

This sign was removed by Management. But for the few moments it was up, I was at peace.

 

See, the people who ask about the fourth guy aren't interested in buying the poster. They're not even interested in who the fourth guy actually is. They're just killing time, and killing my soul while they're at it.

3. I get to practice Zen patience.

On the off-chance I actually get an opportunity to take a bathroom break, I have to go down a long corridor filled with happy customers. And let me tell you, when you're standing behind a herd of people who treat every step as slowly as a tai-chi move, and who're just obese enough to make slipping between them virtually impossible, it's a fantastic opportunity to ponder the meaning of existence.

On a related note, I get to improve my lung capacity by holding my breath in the public bathroom.

4. I get to perfect the art of saying NO.

Customer: Do you sell paintbrushes?

Me: No.

Customer: Can you make me a box frame out of glass and dreams?

Me: No.

Customer: Do you have this [poster of Cree Indian Prophecy] but with Jesus?

Me: No ma'am, Jesus doesn't plagiarize.

Customer: I don't have any money, but will you put this ridiculously popular and expensive painting under the table for me, because I feel like I might come back and buy it in the next decade or so.

Me: No.

Customer: I know someone's put down a deposit on this, but I'm an asshole and will pay you above marked price with cash right now, because I've got money and I assume that gives me the right to rip off strangers. You can just tell the person who's actually bought it that it was stolen, okay?

Me: No, asshole.

Enthusiastic Creepy Christian: Can I touch you?

Me: No, no, A THOUSAND TIMES NO.*

5. I also get to perfect the art of saying YES. 

Customer: [pointing at poster] do you have this?

Me: [pointing at poster ] … This? … Yes, yes we do have the object you're pointing at. ...You see it too, right?

6. I get to expand my style horizons.

Right across from my stand is a lovely Chinese couple (I'm not being sarcastic, they really are lovely) who sell women's clothes. Most of their stuff is alright, and I've even bought some that was too cute or cheap to resist. But now and then they stock something like this...

You know what this'd look god with? Army print crocs!

  7. Also, Elvis' sex face.

Or maybe that microphone is just delicious.

But you know why I really love my job? Because I hate it so much, it makes me grateful for every moment I'm not there, which is most of the time. For five or six days a week I get to write, read, watch too much TV, tweet, squee, and not fear molestation by creepy Christians.

And that's pretty awesome.

*I am serious as fuck, this actually happened.